Everything is in a perpetual state of waiting for the next thing before things can start. I feel stuck in eternal stasis, watching everything go by me. There are things that can’t done until:
After My Birthday. My birthday has come and gone.
Next Weekend. Was supposed to be next weekend last week, but this last weekend turned into another spiral of obligations, duties, and just trying to find the brainspace to think after a long week of work.
I had these dreams. I wanted to be a famous writer. I wanted to be happily married with a family and a dog. I wanted to fly jets.
I grew up to be a loser.
Now it’s wait until After The Fourth of July because that’s the next big social event, After My Surgery because that’s my next big limiting life event, After I Pay Off My Debt because that’s where all the money goes, and After I Lose 100 Lbs because I’m too fat to love.
It’s never. Part of me is screaming that it’s never and I just need to actual own that my life is what it is and it’s never going to be any different.
I hate that bitch . It’s not like nothing is happening.
My actual life is pretty good. I have a stable home life and good friends. (Though sometimes I do really miss romance.)
The day job is full of great coworkers and brimming with opportunities. I like what I do and I have places to grow.
I’ve got some writing momentum going. I wrote about half a chapter of the book (actual writing) and I know where the rest of the chapter goes. Even know where the story goes.
I started walking again, though not regularly enough. I started keeping a food journal again because I eat my feelings. (When I am sad my feelings taste like Pepsi, mostly, with a side of Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. Occasionally they taste like cake.)
It’s just so damned slow and I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life trying to make this one be what I want it to be here and now instead of tossing out the things that aren’t working for me.
I need to Konmari my life.
Is that even possible? Thank the things that have been a part of my life that are weighing me down and leave them for others who may find joy in them? And if I do try something like this where do I even begin?